Jen's Mental Scribblings

I hate this time of year.

This is when the dolrums of depression really start smacking me around.

It's not as bad as other years, but it's bad enough to be ANNOYING. I don't want to knit, I don't want to read. I just want to spend my time lying down being entertained and even then, I'm not that interested. I'm going through the motions. I get up, shower, dress. Care for children. Attempt to educate them. I do laundry and clean the house enough to keep it orderly. Which I know is a good thing. Just moving every day helps.

I'm trying to sit under my lamp every day. I'm trying to get outside and work in the garden every day. I can't really exercise 'cause of the damn boot, but it's my own damn fault it's there again, so oh well. I know that eating better will help immensely since oh...80% of how I feel is created by how I feed my body. I feed it crap...I feel like crap. Every day I do it a little bit better. I added 3 lbs over the Holidays (which is an immense improvement since last years 12 lb gain.), but I'm not adding any more so go me! The bingeing is slowing, every day it's a bit easier to stop. Every day, its easier to say "Nah, I don't want that." Every day, there's a step in the right direction...and if there's a slide, I'm kind to myself....I know it will be better tomorrow.

But still. I'm dragging. I have class tonight. I've done the reading, but I've not finished the paper. I've done the drawings. So...essentially half my homework is done. I'm struggling with how to write what I understand and do so succinctly. It's hard to do Steiner with brevity. Goodness knows he couldn't do it! There are times I yell at the book...Okay! Get to the point and say it already! I'm working on the next assignment's reading and I'm still waiting for it to get good. Parzival is not coming across as a sympathetic character to me (spoiled little brat), so the story is dragging. I can grind through it...but, bleh. There's a reason I'm not a Medievalist. These stories just go on and on and I swear to god they are paid by the word....bleh.

Ike is driving me crazy and I'm tired of pushing him through bullshit homework. I can see bringing home the work on his MLB he didn't finish in class, but damn. These math and grammar assignments are driving us crazy. Especially since he's already done the grammar ones already. I just want to go to his teacher and say enough with the bullshit. You have EXTRA main lesson slots daily...finish this bullshit stuff then, don't send it home! But...it still comes home. He worked for 90 minutes this morning struggling through his fractions and grammar. Normal kid probably would have taken 20...*sigh* Not sure how to deal with this. We are all tired of him struggling.

Just keepin' on keepin' on.

I have my very own CPAP. I made the respiratory therapist laugh when I asked her with a very earnest and pleading look on my face "I get to take one home with me today? Right?"

I did! I have my own little CPAP (man is it small!) and full face mask. The mask is a loaner as they were out of my size, but they will mail one to me. Yea!

I also found out today that Kaiser does not dick around or stint the bene's for CPAP therapy. I am entitled to a new mask and hose...every three months. I need to go in yearly to have my machine either upgraded or just recalibrated. I can call and be fitted for new masks just for the hell of it. How cool is that?

My pressure is set at 11ccm and my initial ramp is set to 7. She said if that isn't enough, bring it in, and she'll adjust it higher for me.

I am looking forward to the next few months and feeling better....Joe is looking forward to me possibly having a sex drive again.

NOT!

So, last month I went to my GP with a laundry list of issues I wanted to talk to her about. One was that I wanted a sleep study. Almost exactly 20 years (and okay I'll admit 60 pounds ago) I was diagnosed with Obstructive Sleep Apnea. I started snoring...loudly, when I was 2. By the time I was 15, my level of sleep deprivation was so bad I'd become narcoleptic. What finally prompted my mother to do something about it, after being reassured by our Dr that everything was fine for years, was the fact that all my teachers called my mother within a week to say that I was falling asleep in their class. Every day. Mom took me to a classmates dad who was an ENT, he took one look in my throat and said "Those are coming right out. How's next week?" He said that my unusually large tonsils and adnoids were causing sleep apena...their removal would fix the problem. After the surgery he told my mom that, not only did I stop the room when I was put to sleep, but I also had the largest T&A he had ever handled.  He had no idea how I'd been able to sleep.

But I digress.

So lately, (read last couple of years) I have been feeling like I did then. I would wake up after 9+ hours of sleep and want to take a nap after a couple of hours...and would take a 3-4 hour nap if circumstances would let me.  And I felt like that I wasn't getting rested. So I asked my Dr for a sleep study. She immediately agreed and I got an appt several weeks later. Which was last week. I went to this stupid Kaiser class where I learned how to put on this wierd arm brace that had two finger thingee's on it. One to measure my oxygen levels and one to track my pulse, plus a computer to record the nights readings.

I got a letter today.

Guess what?

I have sleep apnea! (No shit!) *rolls eyes* 21 episodes per hour according to the results.

So I called to make the first of 3 appts. The first is a class to learn what sleep apnea is, and what causes it. #2 is to be set up with a smart CPAP for a week. #3 is to meet with the Doc and get my Rx and discuss further proceedures. I asked the receptionist if I could skip the class as I was diagnosed 20 years ago, I know all about it. I even had surgery for it. "Why did we do a sleep study if you already knew you have it"
"Because they didn't do sleep studies or CPAP's on 15 year olds back then. They just ripped your tonsils out and sent you home"
"That's a good reason."
"I thought so"

So now I get to join the cool kids and get a CPAP. =) Whee!

So I found something really good recently. The catalog said "Cracker Bread" and I said "WTF is that? Well, its only $4.50. I'll order a box."

And about 2 weeks later it showed up. This stuff is really good. Its shaped like and intended to replace "Crisp Breads" like Rye Crisp or the cracker you get in the lunch room at Ikea. The distinct rye taste is missing (duh!) but the texture is dead on. I have been throughly enjoying these since. I must get more.

After spending most of the early morning hours worshiping the porcelain goddess due to a lovely case of food poisoning. I'm finally feeling better. The babysitter got here around 1, I promptly went back to bed, took a two hour nap, woke up, and I just finished a shower. I'm wearing my comfy sweatshirt, my flannel pajama bottoms, squishy socks, and my crocs.  I've been able to keep a large sprite down and I'm only running to the bathroom once an hour. (If that was TMI, deal=))

I feel much better. I'm kinda wishing food sounded like a good idea. But the thought makes me want to hurl.

Joe is staying at work late, my mom is coming down after 6 (so as to avoid traffic) so at the very least I'm not dealing with my children for very long on my own today. Life is good.

So I went out tonight with my Mom's group. We picked Pasta Pomodoro 'cause they really like Italian, and as they serve gluten-free pasta shells (the only shape that is gluten free, this is important, pay attention), I can eat there. No problem, I was a bit miffed that they picked an appetizer to share that I couldn't enjoy (how rude), but I got a salad and dug into my pasta when it showed up.

For the record, the pasta is really, really damn good. Best I've had yet. I asked about the brand. Its made for them by Barilla, but its only for commercial use. I can't get my hands on it. Grrr.

Anyway. My pasta. I was totally enjoying it until I got almost to the bottom of the bowl. Where I found normal pasta.

Sonofabitch!!!!!

I asked for the manager and when he appeared I said, "I have Celiac's disease, it doesn't do me any good to serve me gluten free pasta when you contaminate it with normal pasta." He kinda mumbled a bit about, oh he's sorry, that happens, he can't really do anything about it, but he'll remove it from my bill. My response? "You have a contamination problem. You need to take care of it." And he just shrugged me off.

Last time I eat there!

The bonus? The receipt asked to call a number and fill out a survey. Let me tell you, they will get an earful!

Man, I got glutened the last time we went out. I'm going to start picking the places from now on. Sheesh!

One would think that after being on Antibiotics since sunday afternoon, I'd actually start to feel better by now.

Nope.

Lotsa yucky crap in the chest, a killer ear infection that is getting worse, and the gunk is now moving into my sinuses. Great. As if I didn't feel sick enough to my stomach. Bleh.

So as if in response to my last angsty post, the universe plopped a link to this article in my mail box

Flawed & fabulous moms: Why great parenting isn't perfect

Which was quite good and lifted my spirits. Then I got to the picture of the author with her daughter. And I was totally amused. Because I read this article by her on the Good Vibrations weekly magazine yesterday. Gotta love a small world.



To comment on my health. I've been fighting a nasty bug since last monday. I finally went to the Dr. yesterday. I have a raging infection in my chest and throat. And just for your amusement, I have a nasty ear infection.  And here I thought I wasn't getting enough sleep!

I just got back from taking Ike to the dentist.

He needs $5400.00 worth of work done (this includes: 11 cavities, a crown on a molar and 3-3.5 hours of sedation)

WTF?!?!?!?!

OY!

I'm just...wha?

I'm actually not missing eating things, I'm missing the convience of just being able to grab something. I see I am going to have to be more organized and make sure I've got food in the fridge that I can eat. At the spur of the moment I decided to take the kids to the park, but I had no lunch prepped. Before I would have driven thru the local fast food. Not this time! I had to run home and (thankfully) grab the acceptable leftovers in the fridge (Rice pilaf, 3 oz of tuna steak with garlic and braggs, maple glazed carrots)

And actually, the no tomatoes and no chile peppers is really driving me nuts.  I never realized how many things I like to flavor food with contain either/or/both.

I actually found a gluten free mustard at Whole Foods yesterday, that made me happy and I'm not sure why.

I'm thinking about buying a bread machine for my birthday (I can't have yeast right now either) 'cause by that point (or close enough to it) my allergen fast will be over.