Observation Journal Entry #9
Mar. 8th, 2013 09:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
aelfieI didn't go in today, I am really sick with this cold. I'm being visited by Sniffly, Sneezy, and Coughy...my least favorite dwarves. I'm also feverish, so I stayed home. I would like to say that I got more sleep, but was up with another anxiety attack and then Gray woke up early. Thanks son.
Even though I'm not at school today, I still wanted to write an entry as I am pondering somethings and I think its good to write it down for processing.
I don't think I'm doing as good a job as I am able. I feel like I'm leaving everything to the last minute and it's showing. My kneejerk reaction is to blame the whole problem on the situation. "If I were the one creating the lesson plans, I'd have been familiar with this material months ago. Then I wouldn't be scrambling to learn something cold and quickly and present it well. I'd just have to be reviewing what I already know and I'd walk into that classroom more prepared than I am able to do so right now."
Can I mention my inner bullshit meter is going off? Very loudly? Yea. Piercing, let met tell you.
The truth of the matter is, I'm not doing the best I could. I'm feeling SO overwhelmed right now it's not funny. I'm trying to be a good wife, mother, student, friend, and teacher...and I don't feel like I'm doing any of it with any modicum of success. That feeling of always being behind with EVERYTHING (or probably more accurately the perception of being behind with everything) is just killing me. I can't figure out where to focus on any moment to get any of it done, forget getting all of it done. I think I now understand the phenomon of Waldorf Orphans. Your kids are your kids, they'll love you forever, but the children in your class? You only have them for a short time and messing up there, means messing up someone else's kid. No pressure. Your kids clothes can wait, go through the drive through, there's a classroom of kids depending on you to NOT MESS UP. How is this living balanced?
Do mainstream teachers think of this? Or are they just enured to the situation and just do their best.
Is my best good enough? Am I good enough? I don't know.
I'm having anxiety attacks at night wondering about this. I want this beautiful world not only for my children, but myself. But I'm struggling to see how in the world I'm going to manage pulling it all off. The situation seems futile. I know I have a lot to give to a school, but it just seems that because of my landlocked situation, I'm going to have a real hard time trying to find a school I can get to that will take a chance on me...and if I can't find that...then I can't give my children this world either. And that just really, Really, REALLY frustrates me. It's almost a feeling of "keep away" I'm being teased with this beautiful, supportative world, but I'm not allowed to enter it. I can merely stand at the door and watch the spectacle. But forever outside. Never a participant.
And it sucks.
Even though I'm not at school today, I still wanted to write an entry as I am pondering somethings and I think its good to write it down for processing.
I don't think I'm doing as good a job as I am able. I feel like I'm leaving everything to the last minute and it's showing. My kneejerk reaction is to blame the whole problem on the situation. "If I were the one creating the lesson plans, I'd have been familiar with this material months ago. Then I wouldn't be scrambling to learn something cold and quickly and present it well. I'd just have to be reviewing what I already know and I'd walk into that classroom more prepared than I am able to do so right now."
Can I mention my inner bullshit meter is going off? Very loudly? Yea. Piercing, let met tell you.
The truth of the matter is, I'm not doing the best I could. I'm feeling SO overwhelmed right now it's not funny. I'm trying to be a good wife, mother, student, friend, and teacher...and I don't feel like I'm doing any of it with any modicum of success. That feeling of always being behind with EVERYTHING (or probably more accurately the perception of being behind with everything) is just killing me. I can't figure out where to focus on any moment to get any of it done, forget getting all of it done. I think I now understand the phenomon of Waldorf Orphans. Your kids are your kids, they'll love you forever, but the children in your class? You only have them for a short time and messing up there, means messing up someone else's kid. No pressure. Your kids clothes can wait, go through the drive through, there's a classroom of kids depending on you to NOT MESS UP. How is this living balanced?
Do mainstream teachers think of this? Or are they just enured to the situation and just do their best.
Is my best good enough? Am I good enough? I don't know.
I'm having anxiety attacks at night wondering about this. I want this beautiful world not only for my children, but myself. But I'm struggling to see how in the world I'm going to manage pulling it all off. The situation seems futile. I know I have a lot to give to a school, but it just seems that because of my landlocked situation, I'm going to have a real hard time trying to find a school I can get to that will take a chance on me...and if I can't find that...then I can't give my children this world either. And that just really, Really, REALLY frustrates me. It's almost a feeling of "keep away" I'm being teased with this beautiful, supportative world, but I'm not allowed to enter it. I can merely stand at the door and watch the spectacle. But forever outside. Never a participant.
And it sucks.
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no subject
Date: 2013-03-09 06:31 pm (UTC)They were underpaid, treated poorly, under tremendous stress, and unable to get all the required tasks done in the allotted work period. They brought work home every single night. They worked in the summer because we couldn't make bills without that, even though that wore them to pieces.
I think the problem is more the fact that teachers are underpaid and not treated like full professionals, regardless of whether they are mainstream or not. It's wrong.
I hope this process works for you - I am inspired at how strongly you are working toward your goal, even with all the obstacles... I am proud of your committment.